I’m not exactly a patriotic person. I’ve never swelled with American pride–in fact, I often go completely flaccid with american shame, because most of the time, at least to me, America looks and behaves like a spoiled teenager who refuses to go through puberty already, and just grow up.
Because of this, 4th of July has never been a holiday I go out of my way to celebrate. But yesterday I learned, there is one place in the united states that was born and bred to host the best 4th of July celebration in the country: Coney Island, New York. For only there can you fully embrace everything America does best: Hotdogs, Hotties, and Freaks.
We started off at the side show, which featured sword swallowing, fire eating, shoving nails into noses, the Sam, stretchy man of the west, Messy the three-footed hasid, and Orangina the citrus queen:
After the side show, we sallied forth for hotdogs. Have I mentioned that NYC is teeming with attractive people? And that in the summer, these attractive people walk around in very little clothing? Not only was everyone attractive, but nobody seemed puke wasted, bro-ey, rapey, or trying to light their beer farts on fire–which is partly why I try to avoid 4th of July celebrations in general. The kids were festive, but well behaved. Adults were chill. And for an amusement park dense with people, this was beyond impressive-after all, this is New York, isn’t everyone supposed to be rude here? Why is everyone smiling at me? (Likely because my boobs were hanging out of my onesie)
At one point, my friend Messy said “I wonder where all the white people go for the 4th?” I then realized we pale ones were in the minority here at Coney Island. It was the first time that had ever happened to me, and I gotta say, it was rad.
We walked around the boardwalk. Messy wanted to play the squirt gun game, and so we stopped to do that. The man running the game appeared to be either intensely intoxicated or had such a severe speech impediment, that nobody who was lined up to play had any idea what was going on, or when the game would begin.
After the squirty game, we visited Zoltar the magical gypsy, who delivered a life-inspiring message from the astral planes:
“The crystal gazer has wonderful things in store for you. A dear one will return from a long trip and your whole life will be different. Your patience is about to be rewarded. Despair not, I say for your days of despair will soon be over. Your calm spirit, and good sense will see you through all emergencies.”
We watched the fireworks from the beach. Afterward, I said “Man, this is the best 4th of July party ever. The only thing that would make this night even more perfect, after circus freaks, hotdogs and hotties, is a spontaneous dance party” -fortunately, the gods of zoltar delivered exactly that!! As we were walking back to the subway, two women were dancing up the street to a salsa groove, and we joined them.
It was the best 4th of July ever! Yay America!
I’m so digging the everthing about Here.